would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
