this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
3pm strippers are depressing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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