His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
