Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
