im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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