Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
