Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
