Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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