it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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