So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
