I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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