I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
