Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
