Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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