Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
