I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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