and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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