Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
