You made me cry and you don't even care
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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