did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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