It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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