as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
