I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
