Sry I called you an 8
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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