just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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