How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
