i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
