oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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