so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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