Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
