I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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