found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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