I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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