U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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