U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
