no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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