Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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