Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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