I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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