I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
