Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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