I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
