Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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