I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
