i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
