My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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