Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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