Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
