Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
