I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
