I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
