i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
