My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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