rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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